The Difficulty in Goodbye

I don't like endings. Actually it's likely truer that I was never taught that things do end. Things can end. Things should end.

The first funeral I attended where I was emotionally connected to the person in the casket was my father. And I was 24.

No one told me what grief was outside of the common knowledge, 7 steps of grief that I had heard about it in passing but had never had to apply in real life.

So it would take almost another decade for me to start to touch and understand the feelings that didn't just feel like sad or mad .

Over the last few years I also found frustrated, disappointed, content, apathetic, confused, resentful and on and on.

At 37 I find myself continually trying to piece together the understanding of what it means for things to end through tiktok videos, books and the constant encounters that have made me sit on cold floors and feel things I had never felt before.

It's like a workout you know. Suddenly a part of you aches that you didn't even know existed.

Like a beginner I tend to feel lost, all over the place and like I don't know what I'm doing.

I write this to give that part of me a little grace and compassion. It's ok to feel wobbly and lost. It's ok to feel.

Some of it's brand new and even if it wasn't it's ok to not know.